


in the cold light of morning

by lesthowells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 15:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15027437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesthowells/pseuds/lesthowells
Summary: And yet, a part of him is jealous. But of what exactly, he doesn’t know. Dan wants to make sense of it, lay all his thoughts and the emotions out in front of him like a map and try to decipher it allwritten for phandomficfest: pride





	in the cold light of morning

June is a weird month for Dan, the onset of summer brings too warm weather, the resignation of becoming another year older and a feeling of displacement he doesn’t fully understand.  It's in his head he knows, the feeling of being at home but also far away. 

The photos on his Instagram feed aren’t a surprise, there had been several already since the start of the month, so the violent reaction his brain has to seeing these pictures now startle him. Dan has a vague sensation of déjà vu, thrown back to last year and the year before that. It’s not entirely rational, even as he acknowledges it he has already begun to contradict the thoughts spiralling in his mind. There’s something else too, lingering in the back of his mind, pins and needles behind his eyes. He thinks that maybe in another life, another version of himself maybe he could be a part of the scenes in front of him. 

He should close the browser, shut down his Mac and finally go to bed- but he cannot. Instead he keeps scrolling, hundreds of images flash past his eyes, he doesn’t pause to look in detail at any one of them so they all become a blur in his vision. 

It’s not the actual event he knows that, he looks at the snapshots of the crowds and imagines the noise, the claustrophobia of the scene makes his stomach turn over and he’s not even there. 

And yet, a part of him is jealous. But of what exactly, he doesn’t know. Dan wants to make sense of it, lay all his thoughts and the emotions out in front of him like a map and try to decipher it all. Except he doesn’t know where to begin, he feels further and further away from where he is and from himself as the seconds pass.

He pauses, focuses on one picture. The couple are anonymous, their are faces unextraordinary but the happiness carved into their every feature is captivating. 

“Dan?” The voice makes him jump, he looks up to see Phil in the doorway, wearing glasses and looking half asleep with messy hair. 

He doesn’t get the chance to speak before Phil is crossing the room toward him, slowly like a slow motion picture that catches up too quickly. “It's three am, what are you doing up?”

Dan bites his lip, not wanting to admit that he hadn’t even slept yet but he thinks Phil can tell that anyway by just looking at him. 

“I’m okay, go back to bed I’ll be there in a moment.” It’s all that is a lie and it doesn’t sound in the least bit convincing. He watches as Phil’s eyes settle on the screen then flicker over to him, there's a questions on the tip of his tongue but nothing is spoken. 

The moment of silence stretches on and Dan figures that Phil is waiting for him to say something, to answer the question didn’t need to be asked but he cannot. There's too much he could say and nothing he truly wants to, he'd only make a mess it again.

It's not as simple as  _I wish we could go._

it's not as linear as  _Everything is good but sometimes it hurts, sometimes I think of what it could be like, would it be so different? Would it be better?_

Those questions aren't for now, it's too much, too incompatible.   

“Dan.” The resignation in Phil’s voice is undeniable and Dan flinches, unable to stop it. 

It’s too late, the crawling under his skin erupts from his stomach into his chest, constricting his lungs. The urge to get up, out of the apartment and just walk. He knows its irrational, both his thoughts and reaction.

Phil already knows what is happening in his head, feels a hand on top of his own. It’s tentative, patiently waiting until Dan sucks in a breath. He needs to sleep but the sadness weighs heavy in his bones that standing up and walking to his bedroom feels impossible.

How did he get here? A moment ago, was it ten minutes or an hour, everything seemed so fine. Why was he letting a few images from people he didn’t even know tear down the wallpaper in his mind. It's not the images he knows that, somewhere in the back of his mind buried half into subconscious, he does understand it but it's too far away from him right now. 

“Come to bed.” Phil whispers, his fingers slip between Dan’s naturally, easily. Of all the impossible things, Dan thinks he can do that at least. 

So he lets Phil pull him from the sofa and out of the room, leaving the mess he’s made in his mind for the morning. Phil doesn’t have to ask to know what Dan needs, his arms find their place around him. He settles his back into Phil’s chest, diminishing all distance, fitting together like a puzzle piece.

He cannot make sense of everything in his head, cannot make it go away or say any of it out loud with clarity. But he can do this, he can love with fierce certainty and let it go of the rest and perhaps that is better.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3
> 
> if you'd like to reblog on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/post/175199355788) it'd be much appreciated


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